Vulnerable.

Right now I just feel like the biggest fool.

I'm really kicking myself for being so naive and stupid. I was completely vulnerable and I fell hard. I was so happy. I believed the promises; I could not wait for it to come true. You give your heart to someone and lay it in their hands as if you are saying, "Here you go. It's all yours." They treat it with so much love and care, you just KNOW it was meant to be.

But then it doesn't last. It ends, in a single instant. So, there you are... left feeling so alone. So forgotten. I could see all those dreams shatter right before my eyes. Still, like a fool, I continued to hang onto that hope of "maybe someday".

That day never came. I know things like this happen, and we are to learn from it. But, why doesn't the pain seem to cease? I feel like I've done what I could. I've tried to move on. I've begged God for strength and guidance through all of this. I spend all my time trying to keep myself distracted because the moment I am alone, all the memories come rushing back, and I fall apart. I think about my situation and want to smack myself, saying, "Get over it! This problem is nothing in comparison to what others go through. You have no right to dwell on this." It makes me feel like such a selfish person... for wanting something so bad, although I know that it is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have failed, big time. I can't seem to move on and get over it, so something must be terribly wrong with me.

Especially now, I am beginning to realize that there is no hope for a "someday". I should be able to grasp onto that and face the facts. People tell me that there is something out there that is SO much better for me. I want to believe it so bad. But, that little piece of me simply refuses to let go... hanging onto the way it was in the past, rather than facing the reality of today. I know that right now, my focus should be entirely on Jesus. That is something I work on every single day and I believe that I am really making some really good progress in that. Yet, the dreams of the past still remain in the back of my mind. At times, all it takes is one look or one word and there I go... falling into the same pit again; then I'm stuck struggling to climb out.

I just wish I could erase the things that were said. I wish I would have gone on like there was nothing there at all, and life would be completely normal like it was before. But, that's not what happened; I can't change the past. I just need to press foward and try to keep my eyes focused on God and His promise. I need to let go of the past (although it hurts me so much to say that). I just wish I could fast foward and get over all of this now. I don't know how long it's going to take, and that scares me.

God, please help me to finally make it through this battle. I need to learn to stop dwelling. I need to start living and believing that God has something great planned for my future... greater than I could have ever dreamed of. I need to remember that His love and His promise far surpass those of any other person... and I can take comfort in that.