I just wanna help.

When my friends are hurting, it's like I automatically take on their pain as well. If they are scared, I'm scared for them. If they are heartbroken, my heart aches as well. If they are angry, I'm right there ready to fight.

I try to be someone who is easy to talk to... someone that people feel comfortable to turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on. It makes me sad to see my friends hurt, but I know that sometimes all it takes is someone who cares. I know that's how I am... sometimes all I need is someone to talk to.

But it hurts me even more when my friends are hurting, yet don't want the help. It breaks my heart to see the ones I love and care about fall apart at the seems, yet they don't want to admit it. To think that they would rather go on pretending that everything is okay, or just close themselves off from the world thinking it will be better that way... it just makes me cry.

There's only so much I can do. If someone is not willing to accept the help or is too scared to show their brokeness, I can't force them. So, instead, I have to sit back... and hope and pray that they don't end up hurting themselves anymore than they already hurt. It kills me.

Still, who am I to say that people need to be more open with their thoughts or feelings. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am too willing to share how I feel. Maybe I should stop trying to force it out of people and just let them handle their pain the way they feel is best. I don't know.

Regardless, if I ever pry or bother you too much, wanting to know how you are doing or if you are okay... please know that it's not me trying to be nosey or tell you what to do... it's just how I show that I care. And when I love someone, I can't just sit back and do nothing. It's just not how I work. I can't NOT do anything.

I don't ever want that one time I didn't ask... that one time I didn't reach out... to pass by and then it be too late.

Twlight. Don't. Just don't.

Went to the midnight showing of "Twilight" last night. *shudders* Good thing I prepared myself for disappointment! They mixed up the order of practically everything, the dialogue was pathetic, the actors should invest in some acting classes, the cheezy looks and special effects got old... I think we all found it to be way more humorous than we were supposed to! LOL! I was sitting next to Susanna, and we just made sarcastic remarks the whole time. It was awesome. I feel bad for Stephenie Meyer... I loved the book... but the movie, it sucked. I will be adding that to the list of movies I must make someday. LOL. Oh, (my computer is being lame again and won't let me start a new paragraph) I start back at Bed Bath & Beyond tonight. I'm totally nervous... and I don't know why. It's not like I'm new. Well, I mean, I will be new, but I'm not like NEW new. Haha! I just hope it goes well... I'm scared. LOL @ myself!

Okay. False Alarm.

Thank you guys for all of your concerns and prayers... but it looks like Candice had another "smack myself on the forehead, I'm a complete idiot" moment on Sunday morning. Heh. I feel like a COMPLETE idiot. ha

As I was quadruple checking all my class stuff yesterday, I decided to go online and check the required course list. I thought that maybe, by some chance, the class list I had was old and not up to date or something. So, I was like "please let it be 471! Please let it be 471!"... sure enough, when the list opened... they changed the requirement to L/ST 471, instead of L/ST 403! So, that means, I freaked out for no reason! I guess I had grabbed the required course list before they updated it. This means all of the classes I need ARE available in the spring! YAY!

HOWEVER... as I was registering, the system wouldn't let me add my two math courses. I tried like 3 times, but with no luck. So I called the school to talk to someone... you know, cause there always has to be some kind of problem, right? The lady informed me that the classes I was trying to get into require that I COMPLETE the pre-requisites before I can enroll into them. Now, you see, I'm currently taking the class that is required before I can take those... and that was never an issue before. But I guess they are getting more strict and so now no one is allowed to register for the next class until our grades are submitted for the pre-requisite. (Am I losing anyone here? lol).

Basically, I have to wait until late December or early January when my current grades are submitted so that I can register for the last 2 classes I need in the spring. They sent out an email later in the day yesterday all about it... I'm guessing because they got a bunch of calls from other people who were having the same problem. Now, I have to hope and pray that these last 2 classes don't get filled up before I can join them...

PLEASE God, let me get these classes! I just wanna be done with school!

Just when I thought I was set.

I woke up at 7:30 this morning to do some things before church... the dishes, laundry, pick and organize my classes so I'm ready to register for spring in the morning. In process of looking through the classes I need versus what was available, I discovered something that made me want to cry...

... one of the classes I need is NOT available this coming up spring. Oh, yeah sure, that doesn't sound all that bad when you first think about it. But to me, it's heartbreaking. I don't just need that class... I NEED that class! I met with my counselor earlier this semester and she was kind enough to work out a deal with me. I still had three capstone courses, as well as 2 additional math courses to take before I could graduate. But she told me that she would wave one of the math courses for me so I could graduate, as long as I registered and took all the other classes. Sure, no problem, that's perfect. So, I filed for graduation... I was going to be graduating in May, 2009. You have no idea how excited I was. To finally be done with school?! To know that I would only have to go BACK to school if I WANTED to?! It was an amazing feeling!

Since I knew I was gonna be done with school, I applied for a job at Trails End Camp, along with Cassandra, for next summer. That's where she went this past summer and she had such a great time. I told myself, "this may be the last chance I have to do something like this. I may never be able to experience it once I start an actual carreer. I'm gonna go for it!" So I did. And I had a phone interview on Friday morning, which went really well. We are pretty sure that I got the job. So that was amazing! I was so excited! All I had left to do was to watch a video online and sign up for a 2nd interview. Then, if that went well, I would have it and I would be set for a fun, exciting summer doing something I have never done before.

Now... however... all of that has been shattered. The class that I need... not one of the classes that she can wave in order for me to graduate. No. It's a capstone class, I have to take it in order to graduate. My parents were so excited that I would be graduating. I've told EVERYONE. It pisses me off beyond belief that one class... ONE STUPID FREAKING POINTLESS CLASS... can stop me now. It pisses me off that something so effing minute can put such a major roadblock on my life.

I'm gonna see what I can do. I gotta see if there's any way to get around this. But as of right now... it's just not looking good.

History has been made.

Well... here we are... Election Day: Nov. 4, 2008.

I woke up extra early this morning to finish some homework... but more importantly, to get to the polling place to wait in line before it opened, in order to vote before having to go to school. I got there around 6:40am. I was the 10th-ish person in line. The whole time I was waiting (except for when I was texting), I was praying. Praying for America. Praying that God would bless us and lead people to vote for what was right, not for what was "cool" or "new". Even when I was dobbing ink onto my voter ballot, I was praying. I was praying as hard as I could. Then, I got into my car, in the drizzle, and started to drive away. As I was driving, I was suddenly hit with a really strong sense of fear... fear for the future of our country... fear that people were not going to pay much attention to the actual issues, but rather just vote based off what they've seen on television. I almost began to cry. Maybe that sounds stupid... but it really worried me. I see the people around me... and I see how the morals are changing day by day.

Everywhere I turned, I only heard people boasting and hollering about Obama. I voted for McCain... I voted based on his experience and dedication to our country. I got annoyed with the constant teasing about his age, like it would really have an effect on his ability to run a country. Majority of the people I talked to, however, planned to vote for Obama. But that was to be expected of course, living in Southern CA afterall. Still, only once did I actually hear someone have a REAL explanation and reason why they supported him. Everyone else based their decision simply on the fact that he is African-American and/or because they hate President Bush, and therefore hate ALL republicans. Hearing arguments such as those really turned me off to Obama... and the thought of him running our country.

Also living in Southern CA, we were constantly being pressured into voting "No" on Prop 8. I know people who have been dealing with all kinds of emotions over these issues. I'm not one to shoot down people or their opinions. I'm willing to listen and understand, as long as they can do the same. But, the more I took a look around, the more I realized that people couldn't care less about what us Christians had to say. We are supposed to be tolerant, and yet they can be rude and rub it in our faces. No. That's not how it works. If someone wants me to be understanding and listen to what they have to say, then they must learn to return the favor. I am getting tired of having to be afraid to offend someone while, at the same time, having their beliefs shoved down my throat. I voted "Yes" on Prop 8. I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle... as a Christian, I need to stand by what I believe. Now, maybe you don't agree with me, and that's fine. But all I ask is that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours in return. I know a couple people who are gay. I do not look at them differently, I do not treat them as if they are any less human than I am, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with them. If I want to support the protection of marriage between only a man and a woman, then that is my own personal decision... and it is not meant as an attack or descrimination against gay/lesbian couples. A person cannot decide their ethnicity, but I believe it is a person's personal choice to be gay or lesbian. It is simply my personal belief. Accept it, or don't.

As of right now, the results are 54% yes and 46% no for Prop 8. I'm praying that it stays that way.

Obama just said tonight in his speech: "The new dawn of American leadership is at hand." Well, I guess we will see. Of course I am in favor of positive change. But people need to keep in mind that it is easier said than done. A promise can easily be made... but keeping it and making it happen is a whole different story. Often times, people forget about the ripple effect of presidency: a president may make the decision or plan, but the results aren't visible until the next president is already in office... and this happens in both positive and negative ways. Also, a person can be a great public speaker and promise change, no problem. But being a great public speaker does NOT guarantee great leadership. For all we know, he could be all talk and no action. However, I truly hope that is not the case. I hope that Obama will prove my worries to be unnecessary. I suppose only time will tell.

I have to just hang onto the hope and faith that God is ultimately in control... and that a president can't make all decisions on his own. I love being a citizen of the USA... and I am thankful to have the right to speak my mind and stand up for what I believe. I am also thankful to have the right to vote. That is a right that no one should take for granted... people fought hard to earn that right. I hope that everyone reading this did their part today and voted.

If you didn't vote, I better not hear you complain about anything political over the next 4 years.

I'm done rambling now.

May God bless the USA.

Just makes me wonder.

So.... I know it was just a stupid message. I know it probably means nothing and it wasn't meant personally. But, it still hurts for some reason. And then, seeing so many people around me that are so happy... I am so happy for them, but I can't help but wish I had it, too. I wish I didn't have to work at 8am... that way I could lay in bed all day. Maybe cry a bit. Cuddle with Figaro. Just stay covered in my warm blankets, away from all the stupid things that make me sad and make me think, "What if..."....

Stupid Phone.

This is so annoying! My phone still works fine... sure it acts up sometimes, but still always managed to keep me connected. But now it won't charge. The charger isn't matching up correctly with the connector in the phone... or something along those lines. For the last week or so, I would just have to put pressure on it and it would eventually start charging. But no, it decided to reach its end tonight.

I really want to run it over with my car, throw it off a cliff, then smash it with a hammer until it is only a fine dust.

I promise, I don't have anger management issues... it's just, gawd, they make phones so cheap! But then they charge so much! I can't afford a new phone right now... I mean, I have insurance on it so I will only have to pay $50 for a new one. Still, I don't really have an extra $50 right now. And to make matters worse, I am supposed to be meeting up with a friend from school after class tomorrow, and now I can't even reach her. Then, I was supposed to stop by Kelly's house to visit... and I can't call her to let her know when. Good thing she has a myspace. haha. And now.... ONCE AGAIN... it's not letting me indent to start a new paragraph... WHY WHY WHY does it do this?!?!

So it's been a few days.

I saw Miranda Lambert in concert on Saturday! It was pretty awesome! There was a row of drunk cowgirls sitting in front of us, but it was all good. She pretty much sang all of her biggest hits, with the exception of a couple that were off of her latest album (which I have yet to buy *sad face*).

But lemme tell ya, seeing her last night also made me remember just how much I need to lose weight. HAHA!! Special-K diet, here I come!

oh... and she also inspired me for a future tattoo.... I think Sarah would appreciate it. lol

Is this a test...?

... or just a cruel joke?

Today was a good day.

But then...

I mean, I know I shouldn't even be worrying about it. I'm probably making it a bigger deal than it really is. But, you know, it's just gonna be really hard for me. Just the thought of it makes me uncomfortable and I'm not sure how I will handle it. I just don't think it will be the same. But maybe this is God's way of showing me something I need to work on. Maybe He is trying to teach me through this. I can't promise that I will pass the test 100%... but I will try to try.

And I didn't get the job at the library that I applied for. They found someone else that better qualifies based on their needs for now. So basically, they didnt like my availability. Even though I was available for the times they specifically said they needed someone for. Whatever. I was just really looking forward to getting a second job for a little while. I could really use the extra income. So, yeah, I'd say I'm just a wee bit disappointed.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Still, who am I to complain? These things are so minute in comparison to issues that other people are having. I'm done acting like my issues are of great importance.

.... I fail at this.

I'm falling behind on my blogs!!! Ahhh!!!!

Stupid work, school and homework!

Just one of those days.

I dunno what was wrong with me today.

It's not like anything happened or went wrong. I was just having an off day. I mean, I laughed and had some fun... but in the back of my mind, I just felt kinda "blah" and couldn't seem to get out of it. And when I'm around others, I try not to act like anything is wrong... but after a while today, I couldn't do it anymore. So, like the loser I am, I became the downer I was trying to avoid becoming when I ran an errand with Stacee. *sigh*

But now I am chilling with Cassandra. We are going to try to work on screenplay stuff. So, hopefully that will get my mind off my current "blahness".

I'm sure I will be just fine come tomorrow. It always works that way. I have a day of crapiness.... then I wake up the next day and it's like it never happened. Heh.

Ok... time to get to work. Good night :)

I'm being a bad employee.

I keep falling behind on my blogs lately because I'm always on the run and gone doing things. By the time I get home, the day is WAY over and I'm just too tired to get online and blog. All I would be able to produce would be, like, one sentence. Then I'd probably fall asleep on my keyboard. I'm not even joking. I would quite literally fall aslepp, head down on my keyboard. It's happened before. lol

Therefore, I am currently at work and I snuck onto one of the computers that has access to the internet. So I must keep this short and sweet.

I went to Disneyland yesterday. My parents (my mom and step-dad... as WELL as my dad and Ann) are out of town in Vegas this weekend. No, they are not all hanging out together. They hate each other too much. Both couples are there for seperate reasons. Anywho... since they are all gone, my sister has the house to herself for 3 days and I have my house to myself for 3 days. We decided we should go to the big D-land. So we did. It was good times.

Had the BEST Jungle Cruise guide EVER!!! It was so great. From the start he complained about how he would rather take a nap than go through the loop again. At one point he put the boat in reverse so that a guy could get a picture of the gorrillas that we apparently went by too fast. So the guide picked on him the rest of the time: "Hurry up and take a picture sir!", "You have your camera ready sir?" or "Ok, every one gets your cameras out for this one... especially YOU sir!" hahaha. It was amazing. We passed by a duck and he said, "The ducks are the only fake animals on the cruise. All the other animals are real. They only look so real because we put fresh batteries in all of them." I laughed so hard I cried! LOL He was hilarious!

We went over to Tom Sawyers Island... oh, excuse me, I'm sorry, I mean Pirates Lair... I forgot they changed the name. LAME. Anyway, we hung out in the caves for a while. We even made a little friend, helped her find her dad, then she came back and hung out in the cave with us for quite some time. lol. She was a cute lil 7-year-old and she asked us about a million questions about us. Haha. It was cute. Then, Stacee and Susanna ended up joining us at the park. So, I made them come find us on the island... I had to give them 10,000 clues since they failed at it. HAHA!!! Jk jk.

Blah blah blah... the usual Disneyland stuff... blah... rides... blah... then we watched the fireworks. I love them so much :) I can't wait for it to be Christmas time at the park... so then we get fireworks AND fake snow w/ Christmas music. *sigh* It gets me everytime. I don't know what it is. Hopefully it will be just as magical this year as it has in the past... or even MORE magical... I just hope it hasn't been tainted for me.

Gays into the future.

Man am I tired!!

Haha!

We were up late last night re-shooting Chris's film... and then I had to get up ultra early to get to school a couple hours early in order to find parking. Then I printed out my homework, bought a muffin and rockstar for breakfast, went to class, took notes, went to class, tried not to fall asleep, then got out of class and went straight to work.

I was soooo hungry by the time I go to work. All I had to eat was that muffin at like 9am. And so I finally grabbed dinner at like 6:30pm. Mmmmm.... it was the best food ever, probably because I was so hungry. lol.

I actually really enjoy working the later shift at my work. The supervisors... well, the bossy ones... are all gone. The other people there are really loud and very interesting to listen to. lol. They play games in the warehouse... play music... and I can print out everything I need for school offline. Haha!

Anywho... I'm pooped. Tomorrow will hopefully be a good day. I get to hang out with my lil sis after she gets off school :) Yay!

Too busy being dead.

Yeah. That's right. I was too busy being "dead" last night to blog last night. I killed myself actually. Well, technically is was my character that killed herself... haha... and lemme tell ya, that blood was a sticky mess!

You see, my friend Chris was working on a film project and asked me to play the role of the dead girlfriend, Devon. That meant no lines, but rather being part of a dramatic scene in which my "boyfriend", David, discovers my dead body [fully clothed] in the bathtub of our apartment. I "died" from intentional wounds to both wrists. Then, Satan gets into David's head and to convinces him to follow my footsteps.

It was only supposed to be one to one and a half minutes long. So, it's a pretty intense story for such a short amount of time. I had a lot of fun filming it, though. I pretty much just had to lay there, soaking in my corn-syrup blood. Haha. It was great. Then after he was done filming the parts with me in it, Stacy and I had a mini photoshoot in the bathroom/tub... in all my bloodiness. And she took some pics with "blood" smeared across her mouth like The Joker from "Dark Knight" lol. "Why so serious?!" Haha!

But, I just got a call from Stacy. I guess there were some technical difficulties, and the film didn't come out. Soooo... I'm gonna go back out there tonight after church to be dead all over again! Hahaha! Good times!........................................................ UGH. And NOW my computer is doing that SAME thing again where it won't let me start a new paragraph. WTF?! Why does it do this?!?! Ok... I'm done.

Homework is for losers.

I'm only a couple weeks into school and I'm already debating skipping a homework assignment.

I hate my stupid art class. Who knew ART would have so much BOOK work!?! I mean, come on!!! I thought art was about creativity... NOT notetaking and essay writing... EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!?!?!?!?!?!

The end.

Just because I have to...

I'm blogging.

I have to.

Afterall, it's a blog-a-day, right?

But I have nothing to say. And I'm sleepy.

It was kinda a sad day. I cried a few times. For different reasons, such as saying good-bye to Sarah and watching footage from 9/11 on the History Channel.

I will probably cry one more time before going to sleep. lol. And no, I'm not on my period. lol.

I need to find myself a James Marsden. One that wants to take care of me. *sigh*

Haha.

I need to shower.

I have a lot of homework still. Ugh.

This is a really lame blog. I'm sorry.

Awwwww.... James Marsden is SO cute in "27 Dresses"!! I am so Jane in that movie. It's not even funny. lol. I don't care what other people say, I REALLY like this movie. I think it's because I can really relate to her character. It makes me sad... but there's a happy ending. So, I figure that will come along for me someday, too. Right?

I have a headache.

My problem is that I try too hard sometimes to make everyone happy... and sometimes to the point that I drive myself mad.

When it comes to making plans, I can hardly say no. I try to do everything. LOL.

My mom complains about how she barely gets to see me...

My friends always come up with exciting things to do that I just don't want to miss out on...

I live with my dad, I still hardly see him...

Haha. Like today for example, I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I had to work in the morning. So I did that and got it over with. After that, I wasn't sure if I should go out to Corona to visit my mom and step-dad, or if I should go to Downtown Disney later with friends, or if I should try to do both. But then I have lots of homework, so I need to find the time to do all of that before the weekend is over. And then there's 24-hour prayer tonight... so I was gonna have to find a way to fit that in.

I talked to my mom... a couple times... and finally decided to not go out to Corona. I would've only been there for a couple hours, and that just wouldn't have been very practical moneywise. I still feel bad though, because I want to try to put more of an effort into going out there to see them. But then I also feel bad because I hardly see my dad, so for me to be like "Hi Dad. I haven't seen you all week... I'm going out to Corona now, bye!" just doesn't seem right. Ugh. lol.

So, now that I have finally figured out whats going on today, I have a headache. I will probably have it all night. Oh joy.

I hate being so indecisive. It really is a result of my childhood, though. Having to make lots of decisions as a child between parents and whatnot. I feel like I'm programmed now to make the choice that will please the greatest amount of people, even if that means sacrificing my own happiness. It's a habit I've been trying to work on. But, when I get guilt tripped, it makes me feel horrible. Or when I finally stand up for myself and voice what I really want to happen, and it results in someone getting mad at me... that makes it hard to deal with.

*sigh*

I need another vacation. lol.

Just a little dizzy.

So, I got to sleep in today!! Woo hoo!! HAHA!

It was pretty much amazing.

I had a nice dream. But it was one of those dreams where when you wake up, you are kinda sad that it wasn't real. It felt so real... and yet it wasn't. It felt so real that I had to check my outgoing text messages to make sure I didn't really send the texts that I dreamt I sent. Haha. Does that make any sense? lol

So anyway. I just really want to find a boy that will love me. Haha. I'm the kind of person who could never really remember their dreams, unless it was really scary or something. But, lately, I've been having a lot of dreams about the same guy and I tend to remember them all. So yeah, I dunno. HAHA. I keep wishing that one day one of those dreams will come true. That he will someday realize haha. But I feel like it's not necessarliy something I should be wishing for... yet I still do!! I want it so bad!

Ugh. Whatever. I better stop now before it makes me sad. haha.

A day to remember...

(I realize that I wrote this in a myspace blog... but I added a little more towards the end... just fyi.)

Seven years ago, our country was attacked and millions of people gathered together to mourn.

Let us not forget that day. The innocent lives lost. The heroes who died trying to save those innocent lives. The children who lost their parents. The parents who lost their children. Husbands who lost their wives. Wives who lost their husbands. People who lost their best friends.

Let us not forget how our country pulled together to lift each other up in love and support. All the people who rushed out to donate blood. All the people who worked day and night in attempts to find any possible survivors. All the people who struggled to pay their bills and yet still made the effort to donate money.

Today my thoughts, hopes and prayers go out to the families and friends of the victims on September 11, 2001. May God surround them in His perfect love on this anniversary day.

I am NOT ashamed to say that I am PROUD to be American. Being around for that horrific day, as well as the many months to follow, made me realize even more just how WONDERFUL this country is. People from all backgrounds and all beliefs were able to work as one in order to lift the USA back up on its feet. I am blessed to have been born and raised here... and I wouldn't dream of living anywhere else.

GOD BLESS AMERICA...

Oh... and be sure to tell the people you love just how much you love them as OFTEN as you can. You never know what tomorrow might bring. I think about how so many lives were torn apart that morning. Did everyone have the chance to say "I love you" to those they loved. Did any of them go to work that morning after fighting with their spouse, and never have a chance to make things right? I just want to make a point to make it very clear just how much my family and friends mean to me. I would hate for something to happen without them knowing how I truly felt.

So, just for the record... you ALL mean the world to me. I know not everyone I know reads this... but it's in writing. haha. I don't know where I would be without all the wonderful friends and my loving family.

I love you all.
~Candice

Busy Busy Busy

I'm starting to think that my life isn't interesting enough to do one blog everyday. LOL.

I sign in, click "new post", the compose window pops up... and I stare. Blankly. For a couple minutes. I hope that something exciting or meaningful will come to mind. But it usually fails.

All I can say is that this week... and coming up weekend... is extremely busy. Oye. The days are starting to blend together. Then, I can't remember what I had planned or scheduled. Like, this weekend, I know I have plans for everyday... but I can't quite remember which is on which day! LOL! I should get a planner... write things down as soon as they are planned... but the truth is that even if I write everything down in a planner, I will forget to look at it! HAHA!

I feel like there was something important I had to say... but I can't remember.

I had a job interview today! At the Manhattan Beach Library... the position they are hiring for is a page. You know, the person that puts books away and all that fun stuff. It would be a good job for me because I can be slightly obsessive compulsive when it comes to sorting and filing things. I think it went well... I think they liked me... so I guess we will have to see! Say a lil prayer! haha

Ok... I gotta go... I really need to pee. lol!

My eyes are droopy.

I feel so bad. It seems like in most of my blogs, I'm complaining about something. I don't mean to. I think I'm just going through a lot of little things that are all starting to pile up... and I'm not quite sure how to handle it quite yet. Oh.... oooooooooooooooooooooooomg... my computer is doing that STUPID thing again where it won't let me start a new paragraph! Ugh! Come on!! Maybe this is a hint that I should be going to bed instead of writing a blog. But I can't keep falling behind! I started this blog-a-day for a reason! lol. Ok... ok... fine... I will go to bed. But don't think I won't write an extra long one next time around to make up for this failed attempt!.... I wonder what I will dream about tonight....

Eating cookies in Forever 21.

I must say... I felt like quite the rebel. I'm pretty sure there's no food allowed in the store... but there we were, snacking it up while waiting outside the dressing rooms. haha! It was late... whatever.

Mall Mondays are fun. We should have them more often. But, sadly, Sarah won't be there for another one for the next 10 months :( :( :( :( :(

Lot's of ":("= REALLY REALLY sad face. lol. Just fyi.

Anywho... I hate school. Here I am, finally trying to be a good student and not procrastinate on my homework. I tried working on my Art 300 work all freakin' day, and I STILL barely have any of it done. It makes absolutely NO sense to me whatsoever. Art is supposed to be fun and interesting, not boring and tedious. Ugh! So, now I sit here late at night, and it's due tomorrow. And it's not even close to done. This totally sucks.

I tried to offer Cassandra $10 to do it for me... and after trying to read the stuff for like 2 minutes, even she gave up.

My lips are chapped. I need to go get my chapstick.

This is very random.

You know who I think is very attractive? Sylar... from "Heroes". We had a rather heated discussion about this at Starbucks just a little while ago. Apparently some people think Peter is better looking... but come on... we all know the nerd-gone-bad hunk Sylar is WAY cuter ;)
And I currently have like 5 pics of him posted on my comments... so that makes me happy. I can go look at them whenever. I think I will now.

Peace.

Weekend's over :-\

The weekend is over now, and it's time to get back to the daily grind... school, work, school, work....*breathe*... school, work, school.... heh. Great.

The weekend was jam packed though.

Friday night I visited Cassandra and Michael at the Gable House where they were bowling. Then grabbed some In'n'out with the rest of the gang.

Saturday, I went to work at 7am. Worked for only 3 1/2 hours (haha) and left. Then we all went to the Palos Verdes mall to go ice skating since it was Susanna's b-day.... BUT, the skating rink was closed. So that sucks. Instead we went next door to Ruby's and got milkshakes. And Omar, being the totally amazing little dude that he is, told the waitor that it was Susanna's b-day. So, right when everyone thought it was time for us to leave, here came all these people around the corner singing happy birthday to her. Haha. It was basically amazing. She turned so red, it was great.

After Rubys, Cassandra and I picked up Michael and then went to Venice Beach to see Jake (aka: J Ray) do a show. We met up with Stacy and Chris there. Jake did a wonderful job... it seemed like everyone there really seemed to like his music. So that was awesome. And, while we were there, we saw the guy who plays the role of Darryl on "The Office" haha! I really wanted to say something, but I was too scared. So, then we all left... Cassandra, Michael and I went to Starbucks nears his aunt's house and loitered out in the parking lot for a long time, and acted like crazy people... well... Cassandra acted crazy. I think Michael and I just watched. LOL! Then, we eventually dropped him off and Cassandra drove us home. She dropped me off at the Holmes' house because my car was there. Since it was so late, I just slept over there since we would all be going to church in the morning anyway.

I had two dreams last night. I hardly EVER remember my dreams. But I did this time. And I actually woke up kinda sad... because they were dreams about something that I want really bad. A boyfriend. Haha! They were such happy dreams... but then I had to wake up and realize that they weren't real. I just wanted to go back asleep haha!

Anyway, today (Sunday) I went to church. I helped Nate and Hattie up in children's church for the first time. It was a lot of fun. I plan to help a couple times a month... you know, to get more involved in our church. Plus, the kids are always lots of fun :)

After church, we had lunch.... I visited with my dad and Ann for a little while... then a few of us went to the Lomita fair. We got there and the guy at the gate said "You have 15 minutes ladies." So, clearly it closed earlier than we thought it would. But I was just happy that I got to go for a little while. I love fairs/carnivals! Especially at night... I love the lights, the sounds... its just so much fun! I really need to try to go to the LA County Fair sometime this month. Seriously.

And, now, here I am. Writing my blog. And I think I'm done now. Haha. This one wasn't really filled with much insight or emotion... haha.... I just kinda rambled. Oh well.

Until tomorrow :)

(OH... and I never really watch America's Next Top Model.... but the others are watching it right now... and I must say, there are some REALLY strange people on this show...)

So... I'm two days behind...

... and, frankly, I'm just too tired to blog right now.

I just haven't had the time to sit down at a computer to make new posts.

I will try again later today... when it's not so early in the morning.

I need sleep.

Pretty much pointless.

Nothing extremely exciting took place today. But I was gonna try to ramble on a little bit just for the sake of posting a daily blog. HOWEVER, my computer is doing that funky thing again where it refuses to let me begin a new paragraph... no matter how many times I push "enter". UGH! I simply cannot write an entire blog without being able to start new paragraphs. It drives me nuts when people do that! You know what I mean? When it's just one continuous, ridiculously long paragraph?! Admit it... it's annoying. Haha. So, this needs to end now. Let's hope my keyboard will love me tomorrow!

Even Killian Murphy would make a better Edward...

I need a new job.

I got to work today and saw that they updated my schedule. Now... they didn't get it wrong... the new manager did a very good job at going by availability. It's the fact that since I have a new manager, he doesn't know that I just come and go when I need to be there. I'm afraid that he's gonna expect me to be there for my full schedule. I would go crazy out of my mind if I was there all the time. Haha! I just hope he doesn't notice that I'm not always there at the same times I'm scheduled.

I'm currently watching "28 Days Later" at Cassandra's house... it's been quite some time since I've seen this movie. Haha... how it brings back old memories. I bet you never knew that I do a killer infected zombie impression! It's true.

Man. Hmm. I have nothing really interesting to say.

I really need to sit down sometime and actually finish writing one of my stories, so I can finally put them into screenplay form. I was just informed that someone out there is currently working on turning both "Monopoly" and "Candyland" into actual movies. Hollywood is REALLY running out of ideas. They need something new, desperately.

Hahaha!

Waste of time and gasoline.

So today was basically one of those days that jumps right up on the list of "Worst Days Ever" before it really even had a chance to get started.

I got up on time, got dressed and ready in a timely matter, and arrived to school with just over an hour to spare before my first class started. Now, I have been attending CSULB for FOUR years now... and in ALL those four years, an hour would have been plenty of time to find a parking spot before class, as long as your class was 10am or earlier. So, since my class started at 10am, I got there close to 9am... not expecting the worlds best parking spot.. I expected to have to walk a little ways. Oh, I couldn't be any further from the truth. There was NO parking to be found at all!! I spent the following hour driving around aimlessly from parking lot to parking lot, structure to structure... NO SUCH LUCK.

So... it was about 5 minutes before I was supposed to be in class... on the FIRST day of the semester, mind you. Yet, there I was still driving around in my car... and in tears by this point. I was so far beyond furious that I couldn't even put it into words. I ended up parking in a neighborhood near the school, in a "2 hour maximum" area. As I walked the mile (or maybe more) to class, I was completely astonished that parking was so ridiculous. We pay $123 each for a semester parking pass, and I couldn't really even USE it! Then, to make matters worse, I may get to class so late that I get dropped from it! If that would've happened, I probably would have snapped and had a complete mental breakdown right then and there in front of the classroom. But, thank God, I got there to my MTED 312 class [late, of course] and still got to sign in on the roll sheet.

Following my first class, I had to walk the mile or so back to my car, only to move it a few yards and re-park it (since it was "2 hour maximum"). Then I proceeded to walk BACK to school for my second class. I had the chance to meet up with my old friend, Courtney, before my second class though. That was nice. She's going to be attending CSULB for their graduate program now, so I will probably be seeing her more often. So, anyway, I sat through my second class (Art 300), only to have to walk back down to my car AGAIN in order to re-park it... AGAIN. This time though, I was lucky enough to finally find a spot in the actual school parking lot. That made me happy because that meant walking about 1/4-1/2 mile less than I had been. Ha!

Before my last class of the day, L/ST 400(?... How sad... I don't even know), I stopped off at the library to cool down after walking in the heat. I went online to check myspace... and I got a comment from a boy that made me very happy. So, my day got a little better after that. Haha! I managed to make it through my last class alive... and finally was able to come home.

I clearly need to get to school before 8am from now on if I want to find a parking spot. How sad is that?! You would think I could finally have a chance to sleep in just a TAD bit... but no... I still have to PRETEND I have a really early morning class, just in order to avoid trekking 4 miles everyday back and forth to my car. Ugh!

... and all of this got me thinking: maybe everything was against me getting to school on time for a reason. Maybe it's because it's not where I am MEANT to be...? Hmm...

Until next time. :)

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

The 1st of September, 2008... LABOR DAY.

Tomorrow I start yet another semester at Cal State Long Beach. Another semester in which I will work my butt of towards a career that I really don't believe is meant for me. But I better finish what I started, right? I'm hopefully gonna graduate in the spring... with a degree in Liberal Studies... and after that, I don't really know what I am going to do.

Do I follow through with the couple more years of school in order to get my teaching credentials?
Do I just get a job at a private school where credentials aren't required?
Do I just do subsitute teaching?
Do I change my career path altogether?

I'm gonna have a lot of decisions over the next year. Lord knows I'm absolutely horrible at making decisions. So I'm not quite sure how I will manage to do so. But I'm hoping that by putting my faith in God, I will be led down the right path... the path that I'm meant to be on, not just one I'm simply settling for.

I've been told that I should follow my dreams... fight that lion... that if God put a desire in my heart, then He will give me the tools to reach it. But how can I be for certain that my dreams are from God or just thoughts from my own mind? I guess that is the answer I am seeking. I just want to make sure that I don't just live for myself, but that I follow the path that God has set out for me... knowing what is best for me in the long run.

So yeah. Tomorrow is a new day. A new semester. I'm not looking forward to it. But, until I figure out what I have to do, I really have no choice but to continue on with what's good enough. I can't just stop where I am... I'm so close to being done. I just hope that within the next 9 months or so of school, I will finally find the answer; that I will find a way to finally pursue my real dream... film school. *insert dramatic "BUM, BUM BUM!!!" here*

Haha.

... so begins my blog-a-day, I hope. Keep an eye out for yet another blog... tomorrow :)

Vulnerable.

Right now I just feel like the biggest fool.

I'm really kicking myself for being so naive and stupid. I was completely vulnerable and I fell hard. I was so happy. I believed the promises; I could not wait for it to come true. You give your heart to someone and lay it in their hands as if you are saying, "Here you go. It's all yours." They treat it with so much love and care, you just KNOW it was meant to be.

But then it doesn't last. It ends, in a single instant. So, there you are... left feeling so alone. So forgotten. I could see all those dreams shatter right before my eyes. Still, like a fool, I continued to hang onto that hope of "maybe someday".

That day never came. I know things like this happen, and we are to learn from it. But, why doesn't the pain seem to cease? I feel like I've done what I could. I've tried to move on. I've begged God for strength and guidance through all of this. I spend all my time trying to keep myself distracted because the moment I am alone, all the memories come rushing back, and I fall apart. I think about my situation and want to smack myself, saying, "Get over it! This problem is nothing in comparison to what others go through. You have no right to dwell on this." It makes me feel like such a selfish person... for wanting something so bad, although I know that it is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have failed, big time. I can't seem to move on and get over it, so something must be terribly wrong with me.

Especially now, I am beginning to realize that there is no hope for a "someday". I should be able to grasp onto that and face the facts. People tell me that there is something out there that is SO much better for me. I want to believe it so bad. But, that little piece of me simply refuses to let go... hanging onto the way it was in the past, rather than facing the reality of today. I know that right now, my focus should be entirely on Jesus. That is something I work on every single day and I believe that I am really making some really good progress in that. Yet, the dreams of the past still remain in the back of my mind. At times, all it takes is one look or one word and there I go... falling into the same pit again; then I'm stuck struggling to climb out.

I just wish I could erase the things that were said. I wish I would have gone on like there was nothing there at all, and life would be completely normal like it was before. But, that's not what happened; I can't change the past. I just need to press foward and try to keep my eyes focused on God and His promise. I need to let go of the past (although it hurts me so much to say that). I just wish I could fast foward and get over all of this now. I don't know how long it's going to take, and that scares me.

God, please help me to finally make it through this battle. I need to learn to stop dwelling. I need to start living and believing that God has something great planned for my future... greater than I could have ever dreamed of. I need to remember that His love and His promise far surpass those of any other person... and I can take comfort in that.

Toys or Manure?

A Story:

So, there is a married couple who are parents to twins. The twins are POLAR opposites of each other. One child is always pessimisstic, negative... a real downer; nothing can ever really seem to make him happy and he has no strive to reach for the stars. The other child, on the other hand, is extremely optimistic, happy and positive... nothing can ever bring him down; he's the kinda of kid that not only wants to be president someday, but he was to be president of the GALAXY.

The parents have a hard time dealing with the two extremes. It's hard for them to understand how one child can always have the "woe is me" mind set, while the other is always "happy happy, joy joy!" They decided that they would try to do something to lessen the two extremes.

For the first child, they filled a big room full of all the latest and greatest toys. They put the child in that room, and told him, "All the toys in this room are for you and only you! You don't have to share with anyone! So go in there, open them and have some fun!" They close the door behind them, but staying close by to listen for a reaction from within the room. They just KNOW this will cheer him up! After a few minutes, they hear the child sigh. A couple minutes later, they hear a small whimper, almost like a child crying quietly. They think, "Oh no, maybe he's hurt." So, the parents opened the door to see what could possibly be wrong. The child is sitting there on the floor with some toys open around him... he had obviously taken some out to try. The parents ask him, "Honey, what's wrong?" The boy responds, "There's got to be at least one toy in here that's going to end up breaking."

The parents are confused by the child's reaction, so they move on to the next child. For the second child, they fill another room with the stinkiest, most foul-smelling cow manure they could find. Then they put the child in the room and told him, "All you get to play with is this stinky manure today." The child sits looking a bit confused and the parents leave the room, closing the door behind them. This will HAVE to make him unhappy! Once again, they stay close as to hear how the child reacts. After a few minutes, they hear the child laughing and shouting joyfulling. Very confused, they open the door to see what's going on. The child is completely burried in the manure; only his shoes can still be seen. The parents rush over and pull him out, asking, "What are you doing?! Why are you digging through the manure?!" The [now very dirty] child smiles widely and says, "I just KNOW there HAS to be a pony in here somewhere!!"

Moral of the story:
Are you going to sit around all of your life just waiting for things to break? Or, are you gonna jump right into the crap that surrounds you, digging nice and deep, in order to find that treasure you know is waiting for you?



My teacher shared this story with us in class today. It really hit close to home.

Then, there was also Pastor John's message that he shared with the youth last night. It also hit very close to home.

I have my seasons of highs and lows. I've been in a low for a while now. But I don't WANT to be anymore. I'm gonna try my hardest to DIG through all this manure to FIND that pony that I just KNOW is waiting for me! And, as long as I depend on my Heavenly FATHER to help me and to give me strength, I KNOW I can do it. It's when I turn my focus from Him, that my doubts, hurts and pains begin to conquer. I can't let that happen.

"Tired of You"

There's no better way to tell you how I feel than this.
Don't act so surprised,
it's been like this a long time.
Every time you turn your back on me,
it breaks my heart to think of all those
times that I was there for you.
If there ever comes a time when I won't be
there I hope you have some time and find
someone else to abuse.
I won't be there, I'm NOT a fool.
I am getting tired of you.
I remember those rainy days when I stayed in.
I'd call you on the phone and try to be your friend.
But to no avail, I swore it would never happen again.
Two phone calls later and I gave in.
I'm such a sucker, why do I try so hard?
The simple things I do to prove I CARE for you.
I won't be there, I'm NOT a fool.
I am getting tired of you.
I won't let this world get me down.
And your silly games won't get me down.
I PRAY to God that you won't get me down.

By: Slick Shoes

So yeah. I thought it was all put so nicely into words for me.

So... I finally did it...

I got a blog.

"I hope you're happy! I hope you're happy now!"

haha!

Now if only I can remember to keep this thing updated....