Weekend's over :-\

The weekend is over now, and it's time to get back to the daily grind... school, work, school, work....*breathe*... school, work, school.... heh. Great.

The weekend was jam packed though.

Friday night I visited Cassandra and Michael at the Gable House where they were bowling. Then grabbed some In'n'out with the rest of the gang.

Saturday, I went to work at 7am. Worked for only 3 1/2 hours (haha) and left. Then we all went to the Palos Verdes mall to go ice skating since it was Susanna's b-day.... BUT, the skating rink was closed. So that sucks. Instead we went next door to Ruby's and got milkshakes. And Omar, being the totally amazing little dude that he is, told the waitor that it was Susanna's b-day. So, right when everyone thought it was time for us to leave, here came all these people around the corner singing happy birthday to her. Haha. It was basically amazing. She turned so red, it was great.

After Rubys, Cassandra and I picked up Michael and then went to Venice Beach to see Jake (aka: J Ray) do a show. We met up with Stacy and Chris there. Jake did a wonderful job... it seemed like everyone there really seemed to like his music. So that was awesome. And, while we were there, we saw the guy who plays the role of Darryl on "The Office" haha! I really wanted to say something, but I was too scared. So, then we all left... Cassandra, Michael and I went to Starbucks nears his aunt's house and loitered out in the parking lot for a long time, and acted like crazy people... well... Cassandra acted crazy. I think Michael and I just watched. LOL! Then, we eventually dropped him off and Cassandra drove us home. She dropped me off at the Holmes' house because my car was there. Since it was so late, I just slept over there since we would all be going to church in the morning anyway.

I had two dreams last night. I hardly EVER remember my dreams. But I did this time. And I actually woke up kinda sad... because they were dreams about something that I want really bad. A boyfriend. Haha! They were such happy dreams... but then I had to wake up and realize that they weren't real. I just wanted to go back asleep haha!

Anyway, today (Sunday) I went to church. I helped Nate and Hattie up in children's church for the first time. It was a lot of fun. I plan to help a couple times a month... you know, to get more involved in our church. Plus, the kids are always lots of fun :)

After church, we had lunch.... I visited with my dad and Ann for a little while... then a few of us went to the Lomita fair. We got there and the guy at the gate said "You have 15 minutes ladies." So, clearly it closed earlier than we thought it would. But I was just happy that I got to go for a little while. I love fairs/carnivals! Especially at night... I love the lights, the sounds... its just so much fun! I really need to try to go to the LA County Fair sometime this month. Seriously.

And, now, here I am. Writing my blog. And I think I'm done now. Haha. This one wasn't really filled with much insight or emotion... haha.... I just kinda rambled. Oh well.

Until tomorrow :)

(OH... and I never really watch America's Next Top Model.... but the others are watching it right now... and I must say, there are some REALLY strange people on this show...)

So... I'm two days behind...

... and, frankly, I'm just too tired to blog right now.

I just haven't had the time to sit down at a computer to make new posts.

I will try again later today... when it's not so early in the morning.

I need sleep.

Pretty much pointless.

Nothing extremely exciting took place today. But I was gonna try to ramble on a little bit just for the sake of posting a daily blog. HOWEVER, my computer is doing that funky thing again where it refuses to let me begin a new paragraph... no matter how many times I push "enter". UGH! I simply cannot write an entire blog without being able to start new paragraphs. It drives me nuts when people do that! You know what I mean? When it's just one continuous, ridiculously long paragraph?! Admit it... it's annoying. Haha. So, this needs to end now. Let's hope my keyboard will love me tomorrow!

Even Killian Murphy would make a better Edward...

I need a new job.

I got to work today and saw that they updated my schedule. Now... they didn't get it wrong... the new manager did a very good job at going by availability. It's the fact that since I have a new manager, he doesn't know that I just come and go when I need to be there. I'm afraid that he's gonna expect me to be there for my full schedule. I would go crazy out of my mind if I was there all the time. Haha! I just hope he doesn't notice that I'm not always there at the same times I'm scheduled.

I'm currently watching "28 Days Later" at Cassandra's house... it's been quite some time since I've seen this movie. Haha... how it brings back old memories. I bet you never knew that I do a killer infected zombie impression! It's true.

Man. Hmm. I have nothing really interesting to say.

I really need to sit down sometime and actually finish writing one of my stories, so I can finally put them into screenplay form. I was just informed that someone out there is currently working on turning both "Monopoly" and "Candyland" into actual movies. Hollywood is REALLY running out of ideas. They need something new, desperately.

Hahaha!

Waste of time and gasoline.

So today was basically one of those days that jumps right up on the list of "Worst Days Ever" before it really even had a chance to get started.

I got up on time, got dressed and ready in a timely matter, and arrived to school with just over an hour to spare before my first class started. Now, I have been attending CSULB for FOUR years now... and in ALL those four years, an hour would have been plenty of time to find a parking spot before class, as long as your class was 10am or earlier. So, since my class started at 10am, I got there close to 9am... not expecting the worlds best parking spot.. I expected to have to walk a little ways. Oh, I couldn't be any further from the truth. There was NO parking to be found at all!! I spent the following hour driving around aimlessly from parking lot to parking lot, structure to structure... NO SUCH LUCK.

So... it was about 5 minutes before I was supposed to be in class... on the FIRST day of the semester, mind you. Yet, there I was still driving around in my car... and in tears by this point. I was so far beyond furious that I couldn't even put it into words. I ended up parking in a neighborhood near the school, in a "2 hour maximum" area. As I walked the mile (or maybe more) to class, I was completely astonished that parking was so ridiculous. We pay $123 each for a semester parking pass, and I couldn't really even USE it! Then, to make matters worse, I may get to class so late that I get dropped from it! If that would've happened, I probably would have snapped and had a complete mental breakdown right then and there in front of the classroom. But, thank God, I got there to my MTED 312 class [late, of course] and still got to sign in on the roll sheet.

Following my first class, I had to walk the mile or so back to my car, only to move it a few yards and re-park it (since it was "2 hour maximum"). Then I proceeded to walk BACK to school for my second class. I had the chance to meet up with my old friend, Courtney, before my second class though. That was nice. She's going to be attending CSULB for their graduate program now, so I will probably be seeing her more often. So, anyway, I sat through my second class (Art 300), only to have to walk back down to my car AGAIN in order to re-park it... AGAIN. This time though, I was lucky enough to finally find a spot in the actual school parking lot. That made me happy because that meant walking about 1/4-1/2 mile less than I had been. Ha!

Before my last class of the day, L/ST 400(?... How sad... I don't even know), I stopped off at the library to cool down after walking in the heat. I went online to check myspace... and I got a comment from a boy that made me very happy. So, my day got a little better after that. Haha! I managed to make it through my last class alive... and finally was able to come home.

I clearly need to get to school before 8am from now on if I want to find a parking spot. How sad is that?! You would think I could finally have a chance to sleep in just a TAD bit... but no... I still have to PRETEND I have a really early morning class, just in order to avoid trekking 4 miles everyday back and forth to my car. Ugh!

... and all of this got me thinking: maybe everything was against me getting to school on time for a reason. Maybe it's because it's not where I am MEANT to be...? Hmm...

Until next time. :)

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

The 1st of September, 2008... LABOR DAY.

Tomorrow I start yet another semester at Cal State Long Beach. Another semester in which I will work my butt of towards a career that I really don't believe is meant for me. But I better finish what I started, right? I'm hopefully gonna graduate in the spring... with a degree in Liberal Studies... and after that, I don't really know what I am going to do.

Do I follow through with the couple more years of school in order to get my teaching credentials?
Do I just get a job at a private school where credentials aren't required?
Do I just do subsitute teaching?
Do I change my career path altogether?

I'm gonna have a lot of decisions over the next year. Lord knows I'm absolutely horrible at making decisions. So I'm not quite sure how I will manage to do so. But I'm hoping that by putting my faith in God, I will be led down the right path... the path that I'm meant to be on, not just one I'm simply settling for.

I've been told that I should follow my dreams... fight that lion... that if God put a desire in my heart, then He will give me the tools to reach it. But how can I be for certain that my dreams are from God or just thoughts from my own mind? I guess that is the answer I am seeking. I just want to make sure that I don't just live for myself, but that I follow the path that God has set out for me... knowing what is best for me in the long run.

So yeah. Tomorrow is a new day. A new semester. I'm not looking forward to it. But, until I figure out what I have to do, I really have no choice but to continue on with what's good enough. I can't just stop where I am... I'm so close to being done. I just hope that within the next 9 months or so of school, I will finally find the answer; that I will find a way to finally pursue my real dream... film school. *insert dramatic "BUM, BUM BUM!!!" here*

Haha.

... so begins my blog-a-day, I hope. Keep an eye out for yet another blog... tomorrow :)

Vulnerable.

Right now I just feel like the biggest fool.

I'm really kicking myself for being so naive and stupid. I was completely vulnerable and I fell hard. I was so happy. I believed the promises; I could not wait for it to come true. You give your heart to someone and lay it in their hands as if you are saying, "Here you go. It's all yours." They treat it with so much love and care, you just KNOW it was meant to be.

But then it doesn't last. It ends, in a single instant. So, there you are... left feeling so alone. So forgotten. I could see all those dreams shatter right before my eyes. Still, like a fool, I continued to hang onto that hope of "maybe someday".

That day never came. I know things like this happen, and we are to learn from it. But, why doesn't the pain seem to cease? I feel like I've done what I could. I've tried to move on. I've begged God for strength and guidance through all of this. I spend all my time trying to keep myself distracted because the moment I am alone, all the memories come rushing back, and I fall apart. I think about my situation and want to smack myself, saying, "Get over it! This problem is nothing in comparison to what others go through. You have no right to dwell on this." It makes me feel like such a selfish person... for wanting something so bad, although I know that it is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have failed, big time. I can't seem to move on and get over it, so something must be terribly wrong with me.

Especially now, I am beginning to realize that there is no hope for a "someday". I should be able to grasp onto that and face the facts. People tell me that there is something out there that is SO much better for me. I want to believe it so bad. But, that little piece of me simply refuses to let go... hanging onto the way it was in the past, rather than facing the reality of today. I know that right now, my focus should be entirely on Jesus. That is something I work on every single day and I believe that I am really making some really good progress in that. Yet, the dreams of the past still remain in the back of my mind. At times, all it takes is one look or one word and there I go... falling into the same pit again; then I'm stuck struggling to climb out.

I just wish I could erase the things that were said. I wish I would have gone on like there was nothing there at all, and life would be completely normal like it was before. But, that's not what happened; I can't change the past. I just need to press foward and try to keep my eyes focused on God and His promise. I need to let go of the past (although it hurts me so much to say that). I just wish I could fast foward and get over all of this now. I don't know how long it's going to take, and that scares me.

God, please help me to finally make it through this battle. I need to learn to stop dwelling. I need to start living and believing that God has something great planned for my future... greater than I could have ever dreamed of. I need to remember that His love and His promise far surpass those of any other person... and I can take comfort in that.